you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
