i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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