So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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