Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
