my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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