Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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