Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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