If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My feet surprised me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
