my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Randomize
