How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
