Swine flu is the new snow day.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Houston, we have a squirter
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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