DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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