I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The power of my boobs compel you
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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