There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
