I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize