dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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