New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
