I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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