the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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