I cannot find my penis.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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