I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Need sex. Gaining weight.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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