So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
