Moan for me like Helen Keller
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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