It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
