i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
