I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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