She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
