I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
