Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
