It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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