I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
