Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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