Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
