Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
