My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
