in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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