So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Pants 0. Shit 1.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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