i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
