The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
