I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
