just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
