I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
