Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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