Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
