Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
