I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he thought i was a dude.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
