you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
