Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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