U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
