Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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