highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
