Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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