I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
