I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
