Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
