too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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