I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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