Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
