He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
